Conversations That Make a Difference
Talking with friends, family, and professionals is what we do when we or those we love are going through challenging times. These conversations can be ones that have little to no impact, or they can be life-altering. What makes the difference? The two critical parts of a conversation for making a difference are empathic listening and asking powerful questions.
Let's think about times of devastating loss, whether it's loss of a job or health, a painful breakup, the death of a loved one, or any of the more than forty major losses.
Loss is a part of living and most of us are facing some kind of loss right now, either personally or with someone we know. The natural reaction to loss is grief, that confusing mix of emotions that come and go, washing over us like a drowning wave. How do we empower ourselves and others as we go through these times?
Listening is the silent healer and the first step to recovering from any life-altering losses, whether your own or others. We talk about the loss, but not many people want to pay attention to their own feelings, or hear what others may be feeling. Grief is one of the most off-limits topics of conversation.
Society, our family, and friends give us messages like don't feel bad, replace the loss, keep busy, and with time you'll feel better. But, these comments don't help—they don't get to the "heart" of the matter, and they aren't true statements or solutions for someone who's grieving. In fact, sometimes they downright hurt us more.
The truth is when we're dealing with loss, either recent or long ago, we have a broken heart, not a broken head. We need to say what we're feeling, and communicate the conflicted thoughts and emotions we might be harboring. We need someone who will really listen, not give us advice, nor judge or try to make us feel better. The first step to healing a broken heart is to express our feelings.
Listening is the gift we give to each other, the healing power within each of us. It's a natural part of our everyday communications. And the more we use it, become aware of it, and perfect it, the more power it has to make a difference in our life and work.
Asking powerful questions is the other critical component in any conversation for making a difference. A great question provokes thinking and feeling that can lead to discovering something new. We might need to reflect on past experiences and lessons learned. From this process initiated by the question, new ideas and opportunities may arise. This leads to an action, the first step to getting unstuck in challenging situations.
Wouldn't it be great to be able to ask a question so powerful that it turns an ordinary moment into an occasion for something new to happen? What does it take to ask questions that really make a difference?
Great questions come from a place of caring and of not having the answer. Normally this is not where we go when we're talking and casually asking questions. Think about it. How many times do you ask a question only to be able to give the answer?
We ask empowering questions when we can let go of the need to give smart answers or seek approval. Great questions come to us as we become more interested in understanding beyond what we know. When we're curious about what someone else is thinking or feeling, we naturally ask questions that open a deeper level of relationship.
Letting go of my own thoughts and good ideas in order to be really interested in who I am talking with allows for something new to show up. It brings out both of our brilliance. We can be surprised with the new awareness that comes to light.
When we have a deep caring for someone, we naturally wonder how they are feeling and what they are doing. Usually we also have some good ideas of how to solve their problems, but when we give our answers, at what cost is it to their process of discovering the best solution?
Asking powerful questions brings out the brilliance of the other person. It's based on the belief that each of us has all the inner knowing necessary to allow for new ideas and solutions.
A question can serve to stir up this inner knowing and uncover something neither person in the conversation knew they knew. That's exciting! From there, a new way of seeing the situation is revealed. This is predicated on the questioner not having thought about answers to the question before asking it; in other words, not asking a question to try to arrive at a certain answer.
I allow myself to be in the uncomfortable place of not knowing, of doubt and uncertainty—like right now. I ask myself, where am I going in this article? What do I want to find out and to communicate to you as the reader?
I want to open a conversation on how to shift an ordinary conversation into one that can make all the difference when you're talking with a person you love. I want to say what it is I do that has a person shift from being absolutely stuck from their devastating loss and leave feeling good about themselves and freed up to be back in action.
Can you think of a time when you were listening with all your heart and speaking from the desire to make a difference? What was accomplished in the conversation you were having? In my work of coaching people through devastating losses, the questions asked, along with pure, empathic listening, create a powerful step in healing even the most devastating unresolved grief.
I live life in the question of what is possible. I live life accepting uncertainty as an invited guest, not a dreaded fear. My purpose is the ongoing empowerment of myself and others in living fully and participating in our lives. We achieve this as we listen to our heart, ask questions from a place of inner knowing and outer not-knowing, declaring our deepest desires, and being willing to do that which may be uncomfortable and unfamiliar on an ongoing basis.