The Silent Healer
...and first step to recovering from any life-altering losses
Loss is an unavoidable part of living and a great many of us are facing losses due to health and financial issues, deaths of family and friends, and painful relationship breakups, whether personal or in business.
We talk about the loss, but not many people want to hear what we're really feeling. Grief, the normal and natural reaction to any major loss, is one of the most off-limits topics of conversation. Yet loss is a part of living.
Unresolved grief from the death of a loved one, a painful breakup, loss of trust, loss of health, loss of a job, or any other major loss can leave us depleted, depressed, and passionless.
Society has taught us to give those who are grieving messages like don't feel bad, replace the loss, keep busy, with time you'll feel better, and other non-heart-centered words of advice. Because they don't get to the "heart" of the matter—the conflicting emotions—these comments don't offer any help. They aren't true statements or solutions for someone who's grieving. In fact, they usually alienate the griever even more and make matters worse.
For the most part, friends and family don't allow us to express what we're feeling because the helpful way to deal with those who are grieving has not been modeled for them when they were children. They simply repeat the same unhelpful statements they heard at an early age.
When we're dealing with loss, no matter how recent or long ago, we have a broken heart, not a broken head. We need someone who will really listen to us. We need to feel heard—not preached to, judged, or consoled—as we express the conflicted thoughts and emotions we might be harboring.
So, what is the silent healer and the first step to recovering from life-altering loss?
Hints:
- It takes no particular expertise, although with awareness and practice you can get really good at it.
- It's not hard to do, except when you're thinking about something else (which is most of the time!).
- We love it when someone gives it to us.
- I mentioned it in an earlier paragraph.
It's listening. Listening—the gift we give to each other; listening—the healing power within each of us. It's a natural part of our everyday communications. And the more we use it, become aware of it, and perfect it, the more power it has to make a difference in our life and work.
When we listen with a blank mind, no agenda, just focused listening, we can hear all of what a person is saying. We experience the message that goes beyond the words. We hear the feelings beneath what is spoken. When we have no other purpose than to truly understand, the truth can show up.
Listening without thinking eliminates our judgmental thoughts. If the person speaking understands that the listener is not judging them, they feel safe to tell the truth. Try it out. Think of a person in your life that you can tell almost anything to. Isn't part of the reason you feel that way because you don't feel judged by them?
For those of us who want to help ourselves and others going through tough times, telling the truth about what we're feeling to someone who knows how to listen, and listening to others' expressions of truth about what they're feeling, is the silent healer for ourselves and others—the secret first step to recovery. It is something we all can give to others and ask others to give to us.